Chez Fred

Don�t Be Evil...But You Don�t Mind If We Leave Skynet Running, Do You?

2010-01-06T14:33:00.001-08:00

From an article about Phillip K. Dick�s estate taking issue with the name of Google�s new phone, the Nexus One:

Dick's estate doesn't have a trademark on the Nexus name -- and even if it did, we're not sure consumers would somehow be confused into thinking there was some association between Dick and Google.

Oh, I dunno. I gotta think that the hardware designers who have done Google�s work for them in making Android remotely successful and are now screwed have used the words together a few times in the last month or so...

Maybe You Should Have Stuck With Blanka

2009-10-29T16:27:00.001-07:00

From our �PWNED� file:

Please Tell Me It Isn�t Ventilated

2009-07-14T16:49:00.001-07:00

Former WCW Champion David Arquette raises money for the hungry in a luxuriously furnished plastic box (brought to you by your friends at Snickers!) in New York:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Would someone PLEASE explain to me what the hell Courtney Cox was thinking?

(I hear David Blaine was twenty feet away, waving at reporters yelling �But I was in a block of ice! Underground! In water! This guy�s an amateur! Over here, everyone!�)

What�s He Like

2009-06-18T22:51:00.001-07:00

This is why you don�t ever want to piss off your copywriters:

Prick with a fork, indeed.

(Yes, it�s probably a �Shop, and some Googling indicates this picture�s been going around for at least couple of years. I don�t care. It�s still making me giggle like an idiot. :))

App-palling

2009-05-11T11:51:00.001-07:00

Okay, let me get this straight:

Perfectly useful apps are getting denied access to Apple�s App Store, but a completely blatant Peggle-ripoff? �Absolutely! Step right this way, sir! Here, let me hold the door open for you��

Clearly the people in charge of these things are being misused. I gotta think somewhere at Apple there�s a room containing an infinite number of typewriters that could use a workout.

Open, Sez Me

2009-05-08T16:22:00.001-07:00

Considering I�ve been working at Microsoft for the last few years, many would assume that I�m opposed to the notion of open-source software, because it�s �taking away my livelihood� or something equally silly like that.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I love the idea of free alternatives being out there. I especially love the idea of there being free competition to non-free applications. Competition breeds excellence, especially when the competition is pressuring the folks who make the non-free app to improve the product to justify what you�re paying for it.

Plus, I�m cheap.

However, as much as I like what the open-source movement is doing for computing as a whole, the politics of it can be maddening sometimes.

I mention this because I recommended OpenOffice.org (from this point forward to be referred to as OO.o) to someone as an alternative to Microsoft Office earlier this week. Figuring that if I�m going to recommend something to someone, I should at least try it out myself, I grabbed it and installed it on my machines here at home. And yep, it works pretty well, and certainly would work just as well as Office for most people.

There�s one catch, though: interoperability. When Office 2007 shipped, the standard default formats (.doc, .xml, .ppt, etc) that Office had been working with for well over ten years were supplanted by new XML-based ones. (Don�t worry, Office still opens and saves to the old formats just fine.) Needless to say, a lot of open-source proponents are not happy with the idea of Big Bad Evil Microsoft being the chief proponent of an open document format. Not because it�s a bad format, necessarily, but because it�s Microsoft and everything Microsoft does is evil and anyone associated with them should die in a fire. Again, or something.

Anyhow, sometimes the price you pay for using open-source stuff is that some things aren�t quite COMPLETELY baked. In the case of OO.o, it can read and open Office Open XML documents, and it can save in those formats, but something�s goobed; an OO.o-created .docx or .xlsx or whatever file throws an error when you try to open it again in Office.

So I did a little research to find out what was going on, if it was something I could fix with a little tweaking, what the deal was. And many of the forum threads I happened across responded to the reasonable question of �why aren�t Office Open XML formats completely cross-compatible between OO.o and Office� with �Never mind that, just save to .doc.�

It�s the Why Would You Want To defense, and I�ve seen it before. Ask a community, particularly an open-source one, about a shortcoming of their software over their competition, and without fail someone will come back with �Why would you want to do that? The way we do it is better!� (Come to think of it, Apple is pretty good at this too.) It drives me INSANE. Tools are supposed to work for US, the way WE want them to, and to say �I don�t agree with how you want to use this tool, so I�m going to make you to use it my way instead� is hubris writ large.

You�ve read this far, so I should probably pay off with a punchline: It�s no secret that Google and Microsoft have been at odds over the last few years, and that Google has been playing the �OMG we�re so open and free!� card as their main thrust of their PR attack. So, following the series of Why Would You Want Tos I found while researching this, you might see the same irony that I did from the following Google search:

�I named him �Willy��

2009-05-04T11:35:00.001-07:00

Electronic Arts announced today that there have been 100 million creatures created in Spore.

I am setting the over / under for �creatures that resemble male reproductive organs� at 4,000,000. PRACE BETS NOW

You Donkey

2009-04-15T12:12:00.001-07:00

We�re in the fifth go-round of Hell�s Kitchen, right? It seems to me that the show�s been around long enough now to be established.

So why is it that none of these people can, you know, cook? And I�m not talking about highfalutin� complicated dishes, I�m talking basic staples.

If I�m going to throw myself at the mercy of Chef Ramsay, there are three things I�m damn well going to make sure I know how to do flawlessly before I even fill out the application:

Cook perfect scallops
Make a risotto
Prepare Beef Wellington

Five years in, Chef has those three items on EVERY menu he�s EVER had on the show, and we still have jackbags who can�t pan-fry a freakin� scallop. Come ON.

Look. If I�m going to be on Survivor, I�m damned well going to make sure I know how to make fire. I�m not going to go on The Amazing Race if I�m agoraphobic, because I know at least one task is going to involve being up really really high. And I�m not going to be on Big Brother unless I know how to jump into a giant salad dressed like a cucumber. (Wait, what?)

(Aside: could that BE a more frightening picture of Julie Chen? And Les Moonves has to hit that. Yikes.)

Now Batting�The Catcher�Seymour�Butts

2009-04-15T01:42:00.001-07:00

Apropos of nothing, but I was playing The Bigs on the Xbox tonight ($10 at NewEgg, yo!) and it struck me:

Wouldn�t it be funny as hell if ten or fifteen years down the road, Albert Pujols is being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, he takes the podium to deliver his acceptance speech, and says:

�Hah! All these years I�ve fooled every single one of you! It�s a hard �J�, morons!�

Public address announcers across the major leagues would be jumping out of second-deck windows. Sportscasters would be slitting their wrists. It�d be awesome.

They�re Gonna Love His Nuts

2009-03-28T02:11:00.001-07:00

Shlomi? Vince The Shamwow Guy�s last name is Shlomi?

Man, I love it when I don�t even have to write the schtick�

I Should Think He Would Need Help With That

2009-02-02T16:55:00.001-08:00

After watching the game yesterday, I�ve been paying half an ounce of attention to the sports websites, mainly because at the party I was at, we were all left slack-jawed that the final Arizona offensive play (where Kurt Warner might-have-fumbled-or-was-that-an-incomplete-pass) didn�t undergo a booth review. All game long, far less questionable plays earlier in the game were being reviewed pretty much instantaneously, just to make sure they got it right. So why wasn�t this one?

(It�s possible that they did and I missed it, because I haven�t seen a flurry of �OMG WTF BBQ HOW COULD THEY NOT REVIEW THAT???!?!!!!!ELEVEN� posts. But that�s neither here nor there.)

Anyhow, as a result, I happened to poke my head in at ESPN.com for the first time in a while. (Honestly, I haven�t had very much use for them ever since they lost the NHL deal to Versus and the NHL themselves put up a really good site for scores and highlights.) And I checked out Bill Simmons� column on the game (which was halfway tolerable seeing as the Patriots weren�t involved in the game this year), and regretted it not even two sentences in:

�when James Harrison unleashed his amazing 100-yard TAINT with help from the officials�

Apparently it stands for �Touchdown After an INTerception.� Who knew?

Everybody Wants To Wield Political Power Sufficient To Hold Sway Over All Of The Civilized Nations On Our Planet

2009-01-29T20:21:00.001-08:00

From Dustin McNeil, the genius behind the literal translation of a-ha�s Take On Me, I am pleased to present his somewhat-lesser-known take on another '80s classic:

Eat A Bag Tonight

2009-01-28T23:45:00.001-08:00

Dick�s is the place where the cool hang out
The swass like to play, and the rich flaunt clout
Posse to the burger stand, so big we walk in twos
We�re gettin� dirty looks from those other sucka� crews

-- Sir Mix-A-Lot, Posse On Broadway

On this day 55 years ago, Dick Spady opened his first burger stand in the Wallingford district here in Seattle.

When I first moved here, I actually did drive the tour linked in the song title above. Hindsight being 20/20, I�m now glad I did it during the daytime.

We here at Chez Fred salute the only restaurant in Seattle whose name is as fun to say as their food is to eat.

Tastes Like Burning

2009-01-05T12:29:00.001-08:00

One of the easiest go-to topics for a food blogger with writer�s block is to coat something random in batter and throw it into a deep-fryer. However, I don�t think some folks think their cunning plan all the way through, as made evident by this bit I came across this morning about deep-fried cupcakes:

To imagine deep fried cupcakes, picture biting into a piping hot funnel cake. As you bite into the hot doughy goodness, you hit a layer of melted chocolate and then a layer of hot chocolate cake. Your bite finishes with a final hit of funnel cake dough and a splash of powdered sugar. After licking your lips, you bring them to a big smile!

�en route to the howling shrieks of pain as the first blast of post-cupcake air hits the second-degree burns now covering the inside of your mouth.

Fo� Shizzle

2008-11-16T12:03:00.001-08:00

I�m quite the connoisseur of Mongolian barbecue, and Engrish almost always makes me giggle. So you can imagine my delight to come across these instructions found at Kiro-Hitsuji, a purveyor of fine Mongolian cuisine in Japan.

The highlight:

�Spread the meat to the grill with fizzle to the sizzle. Wait �til the meat get smokin� flava with da juice drippin� to charcoal, then eat up with dippin� to da bangin� special soy sauce.�

Ah, yeah! Who knew Genghis Khan was all gangsta an� shit?

Maybe He Was Just Really Satisfied

2008-11-14T08:31:00.001-08:00

Here�s a little free advice, should you ever find yourself working in an outsourced, overseas call center:

If you are going to insist on pronouncing the word �content� (as in �downloaded content�) with the accent on the second syllable, don�t bother claiming that your name is �Steve.�

Two Drink Minimum

2008-11-08T20:16:00.001-08:00

Saw one of these at Wal-Mart today�Crayola, please step forward to collect your Ron Popeil Award for Bad Product Design:

The best part, just below the fold of their Total Tools page:

Look no further than your marketing department, folks�

Gather �Round The�Wait, What?

2008-11-08T20:01:00.001-08:00

Overheard while on line this afternoon at Papa Murphy�s, picking up a pizza for dinner:

�If you want cheap [pizza], Pizza Time. If you want good, Pizza Hut.�

A small part of me died inside.

(By the way, that cheesesteak pizza you see on the front page of the Papa Murphy�s site? Pretty good.)

Nigel Tufnel Approves

2008-09-26T12:43:00.001-07:00

Whoever does the Flash development for the BBC ought to get a +5 to their Saving Throw vs. Pop Culture for this one...I give you the BBC's Media Player:

Apocalypse, Now

2008-09-26T10:01:00.001-07:00

In the last 24 hours, Jack Thompson was permanently disbarred, Jammie Thomas was granted a mistrial in the only file-sharing lawsuit the RIAA had actually won, and Slashdot users slammed Apple and were sympathetic towards Microsoft.

Now, if you will pardon me, there's a monkey making a mess out in the hallways of my office. And since it flew out of my ass, I suppose it's on me to go round it up...

You Are My Sunshine

2008-09-24T20:11:00.001-07:00

From the San Jose Sharks' RSS feed:

The Sharks 2008-09 preseason has started tonight, with an all Sunshine-State battle with the Ducks at Honda Center in Anaheim.

Either someone in the Sharks' editorial office could use a lesson in geography, or I'm gonna get a kickass Cuban sandwich when I'm there for Opening Night in two weeks.

This Is Not A Lie

2008-09-16T13:23:00.001-07:00

From the Coolest Thing I've Seen All Day files: "Still Alive", the song from the end credits of Portal, done as a typographical video:

Whatever they have Jonathan Coulton do for Portal II (and really, if Valve doesn't have JoCo write another end-credits song for Ellen McLain to sing at the end of Portal II, they should get out of the games business immediately), they could do a whole lot worse than to present it as something like this.

You Stay Classy, San Diego

2008-09-15T01:07:00.001-07:00

I picked up Rock Band 2 today. We "B" Toyz had two copies left when I called them, and I hurried down and got one. Yay!

I came home this evening after a great day out with some friends, dropped it into Ye Olde Xboxe, and set about starting a tour. One of the nice things about RB2 is that there is no longer a differentiation between "solo tours" and "band tours." It all seems to be lumped into one single game mode. I approve of this.

And this means my band needs a name. Awesome. The band name I used in RB1 was "Distinct Kicking Motion," after a phrase used no less than eight times in the NHL Rulebook to describe one of the criteria for disallowing a goal, a rule change the NHL instituted in 1996, presumably to increase scoring, since that seems to be the intent behind most rule changes in sports. (Before then, if the puck went in off of a teammate's skate, the goal didn't count. Period.)

So. Tap-tappity-tap (or, in this case, a fair amount of tedious cursoring around with the D-pad on the guitar, since that's where I was logged in and so couldn't use my Chatpad), and I hit Start to lock it in. And I get this:

"Your intended band name is not what most would describe as "classy." You can continue to use this name locally, but it will not be visible on Xbox LIVE unless you change it in the Band Profile."

The hell?

I just went back and experimented for a moment (because I wanted to get the exact wording of the admonishment above), and I isolated the issue: "Kicking Motion"? No go. "Distinct Motion"? Nuh-uh. "Distinct Kicking"? Totally fine.

The word "motion" apparently triggers the RB2 obscenity filters.

Again, I say: the hell?

I've got an e-mail in to Electronics Arts demanding an explanation as to how I developed this whore mouth all of a sudden. I'll let The Four Of You know when I hear back.

So, first off, I would like to thank the religious right for their vigilance, watching over the English language for my own safety and bitching and moaning enough that censorship like this has become part of the national discussion, so that I am protected from filthy, disgusting words like "motion." Well done!

And then, a message for all of those 12-year-old kids who think band names like "The Bung Felchers" and "C�ckg�bbler" are the pinnacle of hilarity, such that EA is pressured to add the filter in the first place: Fark every single one of you. Go back to Halo 3 and leave the rocking to responsible adults, huh?

I Think I Went To High School With Her

2008-08-23T23:04:00.001-07:00

Through my pre-graduate public education, my school cafeterias, like most, were pretty hit and miss. All three were pretty much the same: the pizza tasted almost exactly like ass, but was wildly popular considering that the cafeteria had a monopoly on food distribution in our schools. The spaghetti was actually pretty good, and equally popular, but I credit that to two things: one, it's pretty hard to screw up spaghetti, and two, I lived and went to school in two VERY Italian parts of Monterey, so the ladies who worked in our cafeterias had made spaghetti once or twice in their lives. Oddly, the turkey and gravy (and you know where this is going: cubes of what was almost assuredly turkey loaf, if not something canned, dumped unceremoniously on top of an food disher's worth of instant potatoes) was almost universally reviled, but I rather liked it.

(Yep. Food disher. Because when you're a food geek, the phrase "ice cream scoop" Just Isn't Pretentious Enough.)

Anyhow, that was a way longer introduction than I intended to write for this bit, which is going to direct The Four Of You to an item about a Harrisonburg, Virginia school system that thought it would be a good idea to post pictures of the featured items in their cafeterias on the Web. Including:

Taco Patty? The HELL? Do I really want to know what is even IN a Taco Patty? And for that matter, why is the existence of a Taco Patty even NECESSARY? Is it really that friggin' difficult or inconvenient to make massive amounts of taco meat? Tacos are a NATURAL for mass production, for God's sake.

And, in case you've always thought about going into food service, but wasn't sure that you had the cooking chops for the gig:

Yes! Slice up some white bread, stick a cup of sauce next to it, and voila! Italian Dunkers!

(It is, however, good to see Sandra Lee finding herself a side job...)

I'm Having A Ball

2008-08-01T12:50:00.001-07:00

The 2008 Beijing Olympics get underway a week from today, but the media is already getting their coverage underway. Meet Garry Linnell of the Sydney Daily Telegraph, as he pays a visit to Guolizhuang, a Beijing restaurant that specializes in a rather, erm, unique cut of meat:

(Okay, guys, maybe I shouldn't have used the word "cut" up there. Ouch.)

I'll get the gag out of the way so you don't have to: this brings new meaning to the invitation to eat a bag of Dick's.

(Okay, ladies, maybe I shouldn't have used the word "gag," either...)