It is in that spirit that I offer this excerpt of Christopher Kimball, founder and [...]]]> I’m sure a couple of The Four Of You have seen Superdickery.com, a wonderful time waster that started out as a gallery of actual examples (taken out of context, of course) of Superman being, well, not so nice by modern standards.

It is in that spirit that I offer this excerpt of Christopher Kimball, founder and editor of Cook’s Illustrated magazine and host of the Cook’s Country TV show, showing his appreciation when his neighbor Axel drops in with a fresh-cooked batch of his wife’s macaroni and cheese…

"Does it taste better than it looks?" "No." And poor Axel just stands there and takes it.

See? Dick.

(Incidentally, you have my S.O. to thank for this one, who regularly sends me links to Go Fug Yourself.)

Lady Gaga. She’s this generation’s Madonna. I will even admit, some of her music is pretty catchy. (And some of her music [...]]]> Alright, this one’s been simmering for a little while. Prepare to go to full rolling boil.

(Incidentally, you have my S.O. to thank for this one, who regularly sends me links to Go Fug Yourself.)

Lady Gaga. She’s this generation’s Madonna. I will even admit, some of her music is pretty catchy. (And some of her music that isn’t even completely her music is also pretty catchy: let me direct you to DJ Tripp’s mashup of Just Dance and Don’t Stop Believin’.)

(An aside: What the fark with this whole "mashup" business? What the hell was wrong with calling it a "remix"? Where’s my onion? Get off my goddamn lawn.)

Anyhoo: Gaga’s gimmick seems to be to do her thing (and "her thing" seems to range from "performing in concert" to "going to the store for oatmeal") wearing the most unwieldy, whacked-out outfits imaginable. (Yes, that second one isn’t a ‘Shop. Platform hooves.) Some suggest this is some kind of real-time performance art on her part, an ironic commentary on the tragic state of celebrity in the public eye or some silly nonsense like that. Others suggest she’s just an attention whore. I figure, hey, she’s not hurting anybody, if she wants to go out dressed like she’s hoping to hell Monty Hall will walk up to her out of the blue and offer her $500 or whatever is behind Curtain Number Two and call it a social statement, more power to her.

In the last week, though, I think we’re starting to see the Implosion of Gaga. Which brings us to the grand revival of our 7-Eleven Golden Slurpee Award.

Let’s start here:

"Another whacked-out outfit, so what?" you say. This is how she showed up a couple of days ago…to HER SISTER’S HIGH-SCHOOL GRADUATION. Nope, couldn’t just go and be normal JUST ONCE and let her sister enjoy her special day, she has to show up looking like a sexually-confused Raiden. Klassy-with-a-Kapital-K.

But this one is the kicker: Just yesterday, she decides she wants to go take in a baseball game. Wonderful, nothing wrong there. Apparently nobody told her that she was seeing the Mets and not the Dodgers, since she rolled in during the fifth inning. Fine, she’s a busy girl, probably at the podiatrist getting her arches checked out or something. Let’s look in on her, shall we?

Yep, that’s what ol’ Gaga wears to the yard.

And, as you would expect, photographers at the game immediately turned their attention to her. Time for today’s quickie quiz: How do you suppose she reacted? Did she:

a) Ignore them
b) Smile demurely, showing off her oh-my-god-I-am-so-outrageous outfit, or
c) Get pissy, retreat to a luxury box, and spend the rest of the evening flipping off anyone with a camera

Well, with apologies to Peter Sagal, one of the erstwhile photographers in attendance provides us with the answer to that question:

Sorry, sweetie, no. If you want to sit in Row B of Citi Field, right behind the plate, dressed like you’re about to attend the annual Hell’s Angels Beach Getaway, you do not get to complain when people want to take a picture of you. This has nothing to do with you being famous, and everything to do with you looking like a goddamn freak at the ballpark.

At least pick up a Mets hat at the concession stand first.

Lady Gaga, You Just Suck. Enjoy your Golden Slurpee.

When you’re an entertainment show running a promo about Gary Coleman and the reactions to his death from the Diff’rent Strokes crew, expect people to misread a graphic trumpeting "Secret Wills."

I was wondering why Todd Bridges would have a stand-in. Just saying.

"What the hell? I’ve never even heard of Fine Living Network," I hear you say. You would not be alone. (And now you know why it folded.)

All of this is under the umbrella of Scripps Networks Interactive, [...]]]> At the end of May, Fine Living Network breathed it’s last breath, and from its ashes rose Cooking Channel.

"What the hell? I’ve never even heard of Fine Living Network," I hear you say. You would not be alone. (And now you know why it folded.)

All of this is under the umbrella of Scripps Networks Interactive, who also own a good-sized chunk of Food Network.

You in the back, again, yes, speak up: "Wait a second. I used to watch Food Network. It was cooking shows all day long. This company already has a Food Network, and now they’re starting up a Cooking Channel? Again I say: what the hell?"

Exactly. Anyone whose watched Food Network lately knows that it has about as much to do with food and cooking anymore as MTV has to do with music. With the exception of anything with Alton Brown on it, it’s a lot of Sandra Lee opening cans, Guy Fieri being a douchebag, and Rachael Ray doing, erm, whatever the hell Rachael Ray does.

And so Scripps has decided to rebrand FLN as a cooking channel. Because the one they had isn’t a cooking channel anymore.

And I’ve been watching the last couple of days. Near as I can tell, Cooking Channel is about 30% new content, coupled with about 70% old shows that used to air on Food Network back when it was, um, about food. I swear sometimes it looks like they just went into the vault, whipped out a 10-year-old FoodTV aircheck, and slapped it on the VTRs.

And even at that it’s still miles better than anything Food Network has done over the last couple of years.

So when the MTV runs their course with Jersey Shore 3: Revenge of the Snooki, Yo I Herd You Like Wacky Stuff Done To Your Car, and My Awful Goddamn Special Teenage Entitled Spoiled Brat, I’ve got an idea for them: thirty years ago, you used to see these short little mini-movies that singers and bands and such would make. Sometimes there would be some dialogue, but usually it was just one of their songs playing and the band or singer would make like they were singing along while they did stuff related to the song (most of the time). You could just show those, one after the other. It would be like listening to the radio (or your iPod, for you little bastards who are still on my lawn who don’t know what radio is), except with pictures.

Get four or five people to introduce them in shifts, you’re good to go. (You couldn’t call them "DJs," though, since they’re not really playing discs. You’d need to come up with another name for them. I wonder if anything rhymes with "D.")

Boom. Cheap programming. My ideas are available for franchise opportunities.

(Yeah, I know. It’ll never work.)

(We should find a sponsor for this thing. Suggestions welcome. I’m leaning towards Comcast, who I was [...]]]> This morning, I had to make a couple of phone calls loosely related to medical insurance. So, in what should really become a regular feature here at Chez Fred, it’s time for today’s Automated Phone System Customer Service Tip:

(We should find a sponsor for this thing. Suggestions welcome. I’m leaning towards Comcast, who I was going to rant about a few months ago, but then the old site died and the topicality of the rantworthy incident wore off. Fortunately in the next month or so it might become topical again, so stand by. At any rate, their recent Worst Company in America win makes them the obvious choice.)

But I digress. Back to our new feature:

Hold times are a fact of life. I get this. But if you’re going to put your callers through ten-plus-minute hold times, then DO NOT:

• Tell me you’re going to have someone on the line "in just a moment…"
• …every twenty seconds.

Really, folks, you’re not stringing your callers along into sticking it out, you’re just calling attention to the fact that you’re making them wait. Honestly, I appreciate hold updates that tell it like it is: we know you’re there, we’re busy now, and we’ll get to you in the order your call came in. Boom. Simple.

(The irony here is that Comcast’s actually gets this part of it right: they say "hey, you’re gonna be on hold a while, would you like us to call you back?" And if you say yes, you type in your phone number and they call you back when it is your turn. (I’ve tried it; it works as advertised.) Comcast’s incompetence doesn’t kick in until AFTER you are speaking to a CSR.)

First, Haloscan (the commenting system I was using) screwed their customers by shutting down with little to no warning. Then Blogger decided they couldn’t abide people publishing to their own webspace via FTP…and shut down that service with little to no warning.

Nutshell, Yer Humble Host was effectively up [...]]]> Couple things have happened the last few months.

First, Haloscan (the commenting system I was using) screwed their customers by shutting down with little to no warning. Then Blogger decided they couldn’t abide people publishing to their own webspace via FTP…and shut down that service with little to no warning.

Nutshell, Yer Humble Host was effectively up a creek without a paddle. I’d been wanting to migrate this blog to WordPress for a while now (I like the idea of everything being self-contained and not relying on any outside services for content; given the above, I’m sure you understand), but I wasn’t sure how to get everything moved over, and I wasn’t sure how to get the comments I’d downloaded from Haloscan before they died into the system. So Chez Fred sat dormant.

Then, today, I was idly surfing and wondering if the Haloscan issue had been fixed yet. And I came across this article. This guy’s a god. Everything worked great aside from the need to stick proper HTML in for the occasional omlaut.

So, nutshell, welcome to the WordPress edition of Chez Fred. I figured getting the content in and working was most important, and then we’ll worry about formatting. Nothing should change if you are subscribing via http://rss.fredsmythe.com, since I have that redirecting to the new feed path. Those of you who subscribed via http://fredsmythe.com/weblog/rss.xml probably aren’t seeing this anyhow, so hopefully you’ll wonder what the hell happened to me and come around to visit. With luck it’ll show up on Facebook, for those of you good enough to like Chez Fred’s page there.

I’ll try to get a more palatable theme in here soon enough. Meanwhile, ‘scuse the dust…

Dick’s estate doesn’t have a trademark on the Nexus name — and even if it did, we’re not sure consumers would somehow be confused into thinking there was some association between Dick and Google.

Oh, I dunno. [...]]]> From an article about Phillip K. Dick’s estate taking issue with the name of Google’s new phone, the Nexus One:

Dick’s estate doesn’t have a trademark on the Nexus name — and even if it did, we’re not sure consumers would somehow be confused into thinking there was some association between Dick and Google.

Oh, I dunno. I gotta think that the hardware designers who have done Google’s work for them in making Android remotely successful and are now screwed have used the words together a few times in the last month or so…

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and [...]]]> Former WCW Champion David Arquette raises money for the hungry in a luxuriously furnished plastic box (brought to you by your friends at Snickers!) in New York:

Would someone PLEASE explain to me what the hell Courtney Cox was thinking?

(I hear David Blaine was twenty feet away, waving at reporters yelling “But I was in a block of ice! Underground! In water! This guy’s an amateur! Over here, everyone!…)

Prick with a fork, indeed.

(Yes, it’s probably a ‘Shop, and some Googling indicates this picture’s been going around for at least couple of years. I don’t care. It’s still making me giggle like an idiot. :))

Perfectly useful apps are getting denied access to Apple’s App Store, but a completely blatant Peggle-ripoff? “Absolutely! Step right this way, sir! Here, let me hold the door open for you…”

Clearly the people in charge of these things are being misused. I gotta think somewhere at Apple there’s a room [...]]]> Okay, let me get this straight:

Perfectly useful apps are getting denied access to Apple’s App Store, but a completely blatant Peggle-ripoff? “Absolutely! Step right this way, sir! Here, let me hold the door open for you…”

Clearly the people in charge of these things are being misused. I gotta think somewhere at Apple there’s a room containing an infinite number of typewriters that could use a workout.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I love the idea of free alternatives being out there. I especially love the [...]]]> Considering I’ve been working at Microsoft for the last few years, many would assume that I’m opposed to the notion of open-source software, because it’s “taking away my livelihood” or something equally silly like that.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I love the idea of free alternatives being out there. I especially love the idea of there being free competition to non-free applications. Competition breeds excellence, especially when the competition is pressuring the folks who make the non-free app to improve the product to justify what you’re paying for it.

Plus, I’m cheap.

However, as much as I like what the open-source movement is doing for computing as a whole, the politics of it can be maddening sometimes.

I mention this because I recommended OpenOffice.org (from this point forward to be referred to as OO.o) to someone as an alternative to Microsoft Office earlier this week. Figuring that if I’m going to recommend something to someone, I should at least try it out myself, I grabbed it and installed it on my machines here at home. And yep, it works pretty well, and certainly would work just as well as Office for most people.

There’s one catch, though: interoperability. When Office 2007 shipped, the standard default formats (.doc, .xml, .ppt, etc) that Office had been working with for well over ten years were supplanted by new XML-based ones. (Don’t worry, Office still opens and saves to the old formats just fine.) Needless to say, a lot of open-source proponents are not happy with the idea of Big Bad Evil Microsoft being the chief proponent of an open document format. Not because it’s a bad format, necessarily, but because it’s Microsoft and everything Microsoft does is evil and anyone associated with them should die in a fire. Again, or something.

Anyhow, sometimes the price you pay for using open-source stuff is that some things aren’t quite COMPLETELY baked. In the case of OO.o, it can read and open Office Open XML documents, and it can save in those formats, but something’s goobed; an OO.o-created .docx or .xlsx or whatever file throws an error when you try to open it again in Office.

So I did a little research to find out what was going on, if it was something I could fix with a little tweaking, what the deal was. And many of the forum threads I happened across responded to the reasonable question of “why aren’t Office Open XML formats completely cross-compatible between OO.o and Office” with “Never mind that, just save to .doc.”

It’s the Why Would You Want To defense, and I’ve seen it before. Ask a community, particularly an open-source one, about a shortcoming of their software over their competition, and without fail someone will come back with “Why would you want to do that? The way we do it is better!”  (Come to think of it, Apple is pretty good at this too.) It drives me INSANE. Tools are supposed to work for US, the way WE want them to, and to say “I don’t agree with how you want to use this tool, so I’m going to make you to use it my way instead” is hubris writ large.

You’ve read this far, so I should probably pay off with a punchline: It’s no secret that Google and Microsoft have been at odds over the last few years, and that Google has been playing the “OMG we’re so open and free!” card as their main thrust of their PR attack. So, following the series of Why Would You Want Tos I found while researching this, you might see the same irony that I did from the following Google search:

I am setting the over / under for “creatures that resemble male reproductive organs” at 4,000,000. PRACE BETS NOW

So why is it that none of these people can, you know, cook? And I’m not talking about highfalutin’ complicated dishes, I’m talking basic staples.

If I’m going to throw myself at the [...]]]> We’re in the fifth go-round of Hell’s Kitchen, right? It seems to me that the show’s been around long enough now to be established.

So why is it that none of these people can, you know, cook? And I’m not talking about highfalutin’ complicated dishes, I’m talking basic staples.

If I’m going to throw myself at the mercy of Chef Ramsay, there are three things I’m damn well going to make sure I know how to do flawlessly before I even fill out the application:

• Cook perfect scallops
• Make a risotto
• Prepare Beef Wellington

Five years in, Chef has those three items on EVERY menu he’s EVER had on the show, and we still have jackbags who can’t pan-fry a freakin’ scallop. Come ON.

Look. If I’m going to be on Survivor, I’m damned well going to make sure I know how to make fire. I’m not going to go on The Amazing Race if I’m agoraphobic, because I know at least one task is going to involve being up really really high. And I’m not going to be on Big Brother unless I know how to jump into a giant salad dressed like a cucumber. (Wait, what?)

(Aside: could that BE a more frightening picture of Julie Chen? And Les Moonves has to hit that. Yikes.)

Wouldn’t it be funny as hell if ten or fifteen years down the road, Albert Pujols is being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, he takes the podium to deliver his acceptance speech, and [...]]]> Apropos of nothing, but I was playing The Bigs on the Xbox tonight ($10 at NewEgg, yo!) and it struck me:

Wouldn’t it be funny as hell if ten or fifteen years down the road, Albert Pujols is being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, he takes the podium to deliver his acceptance speech, and says:

“Hah! All these years I’ve fooled every single one of you! It’s a hard ‘J’, morons!”

Public address announcers across the major leagues would be jumping out of second-deck windows. Sportscasters would be slitting their wrists. It’d be awesome.

Man, I love it when I don’t even have to write the schtick…

                                                — Sir Mix-A-Lot, Posse On Broadway

On this day 55 years ago, Dick Spady opened his first burger stand in [...]]]>

Dick’s is the place where the cool hang out
The swass like to play, and the rich flaunt clout
Posse to the burger stand, so big we walk in twos
We’re gettin’ dirty looks from those other sucka’ crews

                                                — Sir Mix-A-Lot, Posse On Broadway

On this day 55 years ago, Dick Spady opened his first burger stand in the Wallingford district here in Seattle.

When I first moved here, I actually did drive the tour linked in the song title above. Hindsight being 20/20, I’m now glad I did it during the daytime.

We here at Chez Fred salute the only restaurant in Seattle whose name is as fun to say as their food is to eat.

To imagine [...]]]> One of the easiest go-to topics for a food blogger with writer’s block is to coat something random in batter and throw it into a deep-fryer. However, I don’t think some folks think their cunning plan all the way through, as made evident by this bit I came across this morning about deep-fried cupcakes:

To imagine deep fried cupcakes, picture biting into a piping hot funnel cake. As you bite into the hot doughy goodness, you hit a layer of melted chocolate and then a layer of hot chocolate cake. Your bite finishes with a final hit of funnel cake dough and a splash of powdered sugar. After licking your lips, you bring them to a big smile!

…en route to the howling shrieks of pain as the first blast of post-cupcake air hits the second-degree burns now covering the inside of your mouth.

The highlight:

“Spread the meat to the grill with fizzle to the sizzle. Wait ‘til the meat get smokin’ flava with [...]]]> I’m quite the connoisseur of Mongolian barbecue, and Engrish almost always makes me giggle. So you can imagine my delight to come across these instructions found at Kiro-Hitsuji, a purveyor of fine Mongolian cuisine in Japan.

The highlight:

“Spread the meat to the grill with fizzle to the sizzle. Wait ‘til the meat get smokin’ flava with da juice drippin’ to charcoal, then eat up with dippin’ to da bangin’ special soy sauce.”

Ah, yeah! Who knew Genghis Khan was all gangsta an’ shit?

If you are going to insist on pronouncing the word “content” (as in “downloaded content”) with the accent on the second syllable, don’t bother claiming that your name is “Steve.”

The best part, just below the fold of their Total Tools page:

Look no further than your marketing department, folks…

“If you want cheap [pizza], Pizza Time. If you want good, Pizza Hut.”

A small part of me died inside.

(By the way, that cheesesteak pizza you see on the front page of the Papa Murphy’s site? Pretty good.)

Now, if you will pardon me, there’s a monkey making a mess out in the hallways of my office. And [...]]]> In the last 24 hours, Jack Thompson was permanently disbarred, Jammie Thomas was granted a mistrial in the only file-sharing lawsuit the RIAA had actually won, and Slashdot users slammed Apple and were sympathetic towards Microsoft.

Now, if you will pardon me, there’s a monkey making a mess out in the hallways of my office. And since it flew out of my ass, I suppose it’s on me to go round it up…

The Sharks 2008-09 preseason has started tonight, with an all Sunshine-State battle with the Ducks at Honda Center in Anaheim.

Either someone in the Sharks’ editorial office could use a lesson in geography, or I’m gonna get a kickass Cuban sandwich when I’m there for Opening Night in two weeks.

Whatever they have Jonathan Coulton do for Portal II (and really, if Valve doesn’t have JoCo write another end-credits song for Ellen McLain to sing at the end of Portal II, they [...]]]> From the Coolest Thing I’ve Seen All Day files: “Still Alive”, the song from the end credits of Portal, done as a typographical video:

Whatever they have Jonathan Coulton do for Portal II (and really, if Valve doesn’t have JoCo write another end-credits song for Ellen McLain to sing at the end of Portal II, they should get out of the games business immediately), they could do a whole lot worse than to present it as something like this.

I came home this evening after a great day out with some friends, dropped it into Ye Olde Xboxe, and set about starting a tour. One of the nice things [...]]]> I picked up Rock Band 2 today. We “B” Toyz had two copies left when I called them, and I hurried down and got one. Yay!

I came home this evening after a great day out with some friends, dropped it into Ye Olde Xboxe, and set about starting a tour. One of the nice things about RB2 is that there is no longer a differentiation between “solo tours” and “band tours.” It all seems to be lumped into one single game mode. I approve of this.

And this means my band needs a name. Awesome. The band name I used in RB1 was “Distinct Kicking Motion,” after a phrase used no less than eight times in the NHL Rulebook to describe one of the criteria for disallowing a goal, a rule change the NHL instituted in 1996, presumably to increase scoring, since that seems to be the intent behind most rule changes in sports. (Before then, if the puck went in off of a teammate’s skate, the goal didn’t count. Period.)

So. Tap-tappity-tap (or, in this case, a fair amount of tedious cursoring around with the D-pad on the guitar, since that’s where I was logged in and so couldn’t use my Chatpad), and I hit Start to lock it in. And I get this:

“Your intended band name is not what most would describe as “classy.” You can continue to use this name locally, but it will not be visible on Xbox LIVE unless you change it in the Band Profile.”

The hell?

I just went back and experimented for a moment (because I wanted to get the exact wording of the admonishment above), and I isolated the issue: “Kicking Motion”? No go. “Distinct Motion”? Nuh-uh. “Distinct Kicking”? Totally fine.

The word “motion” apparently triggers the RB2 obscenity filters.

Again, I say: the hell?

I’ve got an e-mail in to Electronics Arts demanding an explanation as to how I developed this whore mouth all of a sudden. I’ll let The Four Of You know when I hear back.

So, first off, I would like to thank the religious right for their vigilance, watching over the English language for my own safety and bitching and moaning enough that censorship like this has become part of the national discussion, so that I am protected from filthy, disgusting words like “motion.” Well done!

And then, a message for all of those 12-year-old kids who think band names like “The Bung Felchers” and “Cöckgöbbler” are the pinnacle of hilarity, such that EA is pressured to add the filter in the first place: Fark every single one of you. Go back to Halo 3 and leave the rocking to responsible adults, huh?

(Okay, guys, maybe I shouldn’t have used the [...]]]> The 2008 Beijing Olympics get underway a week from today, but the media is already getting their coverage underway. Meet Garry Linnell of the Sydney Daily Telegraph, as he pays a visit to Guolizhuang, a Beijing restaurant that specializes in a rather, erm, unique cut of meat:

(Okay, guys, maybe I shouldn’t have used the word “cut” up there. Ouch.)

I’ll get the gag out of the way so you don’t have to: this brings new meaning to the invitation to eat a bag of Dick’s.

(Okay, ladies, maybe I shouldn’t have used the word “gag,” either…)

The Tetris-geek in me was appalled that the green L-shape didn’t manage to scoot over one space to the left on the way down. Then I realized that it was just as well, as it would have just made the unholy union of the purple and [...]]]> This was seen at the San Diego Comic-Con:

The Tetris-geek in me was appalled that the green L-shape didn’t manage to scoot over one space to the left on the way down. Then I realized that it was just as well, as it would have just made the unholy union of the purple and blue pieces stand out that much more.

Always has. I’m pretty sure I would have wound up as a computer geek regardless, but the advent of word processing sure as hell facilitated the transformation, and to this day I write in cursive in exactly two places: when I’m signing my name, and when I write a check. (Yes, I still [...]]]> My handwriting sucks.

Always has. I’m pretty sure I would have wound up as a computer geek regardless, but the advent of word processing sure as hell facilitated the transformation, and to this day I write in cursive in exactly two places: when I’m signing my name, and when I write a check. (Yes, I still write checks. Don’t start.) When I’m writing down a note and not putting it on my Palm, I block-print, and even that isn’t exactly neat.

So I’m reading through some of my video game news blogs, and I come across information on a new Nintendo DS title called Doodle Hex. Here’s a quote from the Gamer’s Universe review:

First off, to cast a spell you’ll have to draw the requisite rune on the lower screen, as opposed to holding a button down till everything in front of you melts. Do so with precision and your magic will carry additional weight, but make a dog’s dinner of things and it’ll fizzle out like one of our horrible punch-lines.

Needless to say, I will not be playing Doodle Hex. I bet this is what Hell is like: a small, dingy room, a comfy chair, a table next to it with a DS sitting on it, and this is the only game available to play.

(Okay, this and Deal Or No Deal.)

“I drove a Porsche and ate at restaurants where soup cost 30 bucks. Now I can barely afford a can of soup. Some days I eat the parrots’ nuts because I can’t afford bread.”

…proving that there is nothing that woman won’t put in her mouth [...]]]> Apparently former Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss has fallen on hard times:

“I drove a Porsche and ate at restaurants where soup cost 30 bucks. Now I can barely afford a can of soup. Some days I eat the parrots’ nuts because I can’t afford bread.”

…proving that there is nothing that woman won’t put in her mouth to make a buck.

Memo to Head Coach Ron Wilson: don’t let the door hitcha in the ass on the way out.

Game Four is…screw it. If you want to know when Game Four is, first, it’s in the post a few down from this one, and second, fark [...]]]>

Western Conference Semifinals, Game 3
San Jose Sharks	1
Dallas Stars	2
(F/OT, Dallas leads series 3-0)

Memo to Head Coach Ron Wilson: don’t let the door hitcha in the ass on the way out.

Game Four is…screw it. If you want to know when Game Four is, first, it’s in the post a few down from this one, and second, fark you for being a Dallas fan.

Gotta say, caring more about the team’s success than the team does really, really sucks.

Game Three is Tuesday in Dallas.

Western Conference Semifinals, Game 1 Dallas Stars 3 San Jose Sharks 2 (F/OT, Dallas leads series 1-0)

Bitch of it is, we actually played a pretty good game, even coming back from a 2-1 deficit with a late goal from Jonathan Cheechoo. Until we got to the overtime. Which is generally a bad place to start playing a crappy game.

Game Two [...]]]>

Western Conference Semifinals, Game 1
Dallas Stars	3
San Jose Sharks	2
(F/OT, Dallas leads series 1-0)

Bitch of it is, we actually played a pretty good game, even coming back from a 2-1 deficit with a late goal from Jonathan Cheechoo. Until we got to the overtime. Which is generally a bad place to start playing a crappy game.

Game Two is Sunday night, 6:00P PDT, in Glorious Hi-Def™ on Comcast Sports Net in the Bay Area, TSN in Canada, and Versus in the rest of the United States.

Game 1: Dallas at San Jose, Friday, April 25, 7:00P (Versus, TSN)Game 2: Dallas at San Jose, Sunday, April 27, 6:00P (CSN-HD, Versus, TSN)Game 3: San Jose at Dallas, Tuesday, April 29, 4:30P (CSN-HD, TSN)Game 4: San Jose at Dallas, Wednesday, April 30, 6:00P (CSN-HD, Versus, TSN [...]]]> As promised, here’s the second-round schedule for the Sharks:

Game 1: Dallas at San Jose, Friday, April 25, 7:00P (Versus, TSN)
Game 2: Dallas at San Jose, Sunday, April 27, 6:00P (CSN-HD, Versus, TSN)
Game 3: San Jose at Dallas, Tuesday, April 29, 4:30P (CSN-HD, TSN)
Game 4: San Jose at Dallas, Wednesday, April 30, 6:00P (CSN-HD, Versus, TSN (JIP))
Game 5: Dallas at San Jose, Friday, May 2, 7:00P (Versus, TSN)
Game 6: San Jose at Dallas, Sunday, May 4, 6:00P (CSN-HD, Versus, TSN)
Game 7: Dallas at San Jose, Tuesday, May 6, 7:00P (CSN-HD, TSN)

(I will point out that the last time the Sharks played on my birthday, in 2004, they beat Colorado 3-1 to advance to their first Conference Finals. When it was discovered that they had lost on their two previous attempts (in 1994 and 2002), the league was so appalled at this break from tradition that they canceled the following season.)

(Another aside, made topical by Owen Nolan‘s questionable goal in the second period of last night’s game: since I see it finally replicated to the site, you’re invited to have a look at my newest Rock Band band, Distinct Kicking Motion. (I’m also a member of Contestant’s Row.) More details there when I get around to posting them.)

Strap yourselves in, kids, the ride’s about to leave the station again…

Thank God the right Sharks showed up. And look at this: you put Jeremy Roenick back in the lineup, and he goes and scores four points. ‘Magine that.

Next up: the University of Dallas Stars. Game One is Friday on Versus at 7:00P PDT; I [...]]]>

Western Conference Quarterfinals, Game 7
Calgary Flames	3
San Jose Sharks	5
(San Jose wins series 4-3)

Thank God the right Sharks showed up. And look at this: you put Jeremy Roenick back in the lineup, and he goes and scores four points. ‘Magine that.

Next up: the University of Dallas Stars. Game One is Friday on Versus at 7:00P PDT; I will post the full schedule when the NHL announces it, probably tomorrow.

Now I have to go weep like a small child for a while…

Western Conference Quarterfinals, Game 6 San Jose Sharks 0 Calgary Flames 2 (Series tied 3-3)

They made Game One look inspired. That’s how piss-poor they played. I’ll leave it at that.

If you’re a sports fan, these are the two most beautiful words in the English language: Game Seven. [...]]]> Because there sure as hell wasn’t any try out of the Sharks last night:

Western Conference Quarterfinals, Game 6
San Jose Sharks	0
Calgary Flames	2
(Series tied 3-3)

They made Game One look inspired. That’s how piss-poor they played. I’ll leave it at that.

If you’re a sports fan, these are the two most beautiful words in the English language: Game Seven. Unless your team is involved. Then it really, really sucks. (And now I get to miss a second consecutive Tuesday game night. Fark Calgary.)

Game Seven is Tuesday night, 7:00P, on Comcast Sports Net in the Bay Area, CBC in Canada, and Versus (who, as predicted, did indeed pick up the game in the wake of Dallas finishing off Anaheim last night, and fark the Stars right in the goat ass for that, because that means I’ll most likely have to watch the heavily biased CBC feed on Versus instead of getting Randy and Drew on Center Ice) in the rest of the United States.

Western Conference Quarterfinals, Game 1 Calgary Flames 3 San Jose Sharks 2 (Calgary leads series 1-0)

One of the worst, clumsy, undisciplined, lackadaisical games I have seen the Sharks play all year. You don’t get away with a lot of those in the playoffs, so burning one off in the very first game is [...]]]> And first, the bad news, from last night:

Western Conference Quarterfinals, Game 1
Calgary Flames	3
San Jose Sharks	2
(Calgary leads series 1-0)

One of the worst, clumsy, undisciplined, lackadaisical games I have seen the Sharks play all year. You don’t get away with a lot of those in the playoffs, so burning one off in the very first game is generally a bad idea.

Now, the good news from tonight:

MUCH better game. Still not seeing a lot out of Jeremy Roenick or Joe Thornton, and I was hoping I would see significant contributions from both. But I needed to see that they took last night’s crap performance as a wake-up call, and they did not disappoint. Goaltender Evgeni Nabokov was friggin’ brilliant, including one save that I would find video of and link to, had the game not just ended. Watch this space tomorrow, maybe.

(EDIT: Here you go. 3:52 in.)

Anyhow, the good guys pulled out the split at home. Would have been nicer to get ‘em both, but hey.

Game Three is Sunday night in Calgary, 7:00P, on Comcast Sports Net in the Bay Area, CBC in Canada, and Versus in the rest of the United States.

That’s right, tomorrow is the beginning of the 2008 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs.

The Sharks, in no small part due to a twenty-game [...]]]> This is the official warning to The Four Of You that we’ve reached the time of year where 70% of the the posts are going to be completely uninteresting to Three Of You.

That’s right, tomorrow is the beginning of the 2008 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs.

The Sharks, in no small part due to a twenty-game run at the end of the season where they were unbeaten in regulation (and only two of those were overtime losses, and ONE of those was a result of the goddamn shootout), finished the season with the second-best record in the league, a franchise record 49-23-10 for 108 points, and the second seed in the Western Conference. (Only Detroit, with 115 points, had a better finish.)

As a result, so long as they don’t face Detroit, they will enjoy home-ice advantage (by the way, the name of my band in Guitar Hero II? Home-Ice Advantage.) in every playoff series they take part in this year.

And as the two-seed, they will face the seven-seed in the West in the opening round, the Calgary Flames. And because I know you care (and actually one of the benefits of playing against a Canadian team is that CBC airs all of their playoff games, so folks local to me in Seattle MIGHT care) here’s the schedule for that first round, at least, what we know of it at this point:

Game 1: Calgary at San Jose, Wednesday, April 9, 7:00P (CSN HD, CBC, Versus)
Game 2: Calgary at San Jose, Thursday, April 10, 7:00P (CSN HD, CBC)
Game 3: San Jose at Calgary, Sunday, April 13, 7:00P (CSN, CBC, Versus)
Game 4: San Jose at Calgary, Tuesday, April 15, 7:00P (CSN, CBC)
Game 5: Calgary at San Jose, Thursday, April 17, 7:00P (CSN HD, CBC, Versus)
Game 6: San Jose at Calgary, Sunday, April 20, TBD (CSN, CBC, Versus)
Game 7: Calgary at San Jose, Tuesday, April 22, TBD (CSN HD, CBC)

(And I could absolutely see Versus picking up Game Seven if (Heaven forfend) it’s necessary and the Dallas / Anaheim series doesn’t go seven as well. And I, personally, am rooting for seven games, sixteen overtimes, and at least a dozen lifelong debilitating injuries in that series.)

Anyhow, now you’re all caught up and ready to follow along with me as the boys in teal march towards their first Stanley Cup. Game on…and LET’S GO SHARKS!

Bring on…well, whoever winds up as the 7- or 8-seed!

Today’s Golden Slurpee goes to Washington Nationals spokesperson Chartese Burnett, on the team’s commendable policy allowing patrons to bring in their own food at the Nats’ new stadium:

“I don’t know who’s [...]]]> Ah, public relations people. You gotta love them. Mainly because as far as I know murdering them is still a capital offense in most states.

Today’s Golden Slurpee goes to Washington Nationals spokesperson Chartese Burnett, on the team’s commendable policy allowing patrons to bring in their own food at the Nats’ new stadium:

“I don’t know who’s going to want to bring in food with all the great offerings at Nationals Park.”

Spoken like a woman who hasn’t paid for ballpark food in a long, LONG time.